For My Future Teens

I just finished watching an episode of 20/20 that was about teens partying and making bad decisions, and the ramifications of doing so.  Of course this isn't a new issue - as long as there has been teenagers, there have been teenagers making bad decisions.  But as I look over at the pure innocence on the faces of my children who are currently 10 and 12, it is suddenly a new issue to me.  I realize for the 1st time that I'm on the verge of the scariest years of my life - the years of them being out on their own and being faced with making life-altering decisions with their still-developing brains.

I can only hope that I've instilled in them the basic ability to choose right from wrong.  However, the realist in me knows that once the hormones, peer pressure, and yes, probably alcohol, is flowing, that basic ability to make the right decision is going to be as useless as a mime bound with duct tape and handcuffs in the trunk of a car.  I mean, if I'm honest with myself, it's only by the grace of God and several small miracles that I survived my teenage years.

There are some basic things I want my sons and daughters to do when faced with situations they'll inevitably face during their teenage years......

For my sons:

• Never, ever hit a girl.  If she puts her hands on you - leave.  You can always work it out or end the relationship the next day.
• Never be emotionally cruel, controlling, or abusive to a girl.  Your words will affect her the rest of her life.
• If you happen to be at a party and notice a girl is too intoxicated to care for herself, take care of her.  Call her parents, get her home safely - whatever.  Yes, she will be mad if you call her parents, but you may be saving her life.
• If you happen to be at a party and notice guys are taking advantage of a girl that is intoxicated  (or worse - slipping something in her drink), do NOT be a part of it despite all the peer pressure to be cool and join in.   Take up for her no matter what the other guys say about you.  Just like the tip above - do whatever it takes.....call her parents, her brother, her best friend....just get her out of that situation.  You wouldn't want someone doing that to your sisters.  Yes, it may be her mistake of drinking too much, but no - it's not OK for anyone to take advantage of it.
• No matter what - never, never, ever get behind the wheel of a car if you're intoxicated, and do not get in the car if the driver is impaired.  Call me.  Call your step-dad.  Call whomever.  I know you're scared you're going to get in trouble.  Do not let that prevent you from getting home safely.  I would rather pick you up drunk that pick you up dead.
• Treat the women in your life the way you would want someone to treat your sisters and I.
• Drugs and alcohol.....they're going to be all around you.  Your friends are going to experiment.  You will be tempted.  Let the decisions you make be your own.  Do not make decision based on what others are telling you to do, or what you think you should do to seem cool or fit in.

For my daughters:

• Love yourself.  Never measure your self-worth against others.  You may think other girls are prettier, skinnier, smarter, etc., but that does not determine how beautiful and special you are.  The truth is, they probably envy you.
• Never, ever let a man put his hands on you.  I started to say never let a man hit you, but it's more than hitting.  Never let a man push or shove you, restrain you, hit you, or otherwise make you physically uncomfortable.  Leave.  If he loves you, he will never physically hurt you.
• Never let a man be emotionally abusive, cruel, or controlling.  Just like above - if he loves you, he will not hurt you emotionally.  Nobody owns you, not even me.  You own yourself, so never let a man tell you what to do.
• You will go to parties.  There will be alcohol around.  Be smart.  If you make a mistake and drink too much, call someone that can get you out of there safely.  You can always call me or your step-dad or your brothers or your best friend.  Not all boys are good like your brothers.  Some boys will take advantage of girls that have been drinking.  Don't let that be you.  Don't let your fear of getting in trouble from your parents prevent you from being safe.
• Don't be a mean girl.  Don't join in with others girls in being mean.  That girl they're picking on may be the girl that is struggling with problems at home and bullying her may be the straw that breaks the camel's back.
• On the flip side......don't let mean girls affect you.  Girls can be cruel.  You won't see it at the time, but the girl that is being mean to you is either (a) very insecure and must break you down to build herself up, or (b) jealous of you.
• No matter what - never, never, ever get behind the wheel of a car if you're intoxicated, and do not get in the car if the driver is impaired.  Call me.  Call your step-dad.  Call whomever.  I know you're scared you're going to get in trouble.  Do not let that prevent you from getting home safely.  I would rather pick you up drunk that pick you up dead.
• Drugs and alcohol.....they're going to be all around you.  Your friends are going to experiment.  You will be tempted.  Let the decisions you make be your own.  Do not make decision based on what others are telling you to do, or what you think you should do to seem cool or fit in.
• Do not have sex until you are ready.  Don't do it just because you think it will make a guy like you - it won't.  Don't do it because you think it will make you cool - it won't.  Don't do it just because your friends do it.  Those mean girls I mentioned earlier......they will call you names if you're the 'only one' not having sex.  But let me tell you.....if you are having sex, they will say horrible things about you and once your reputation is ruined, there's no fixing it.  Sex is not about what your friends think or do, or what your boyfriend thinks you should do.  Sex is a personal decision and YOU are the only one that should make that decision.  And when you do feel the time is right, use protection.

I'm sure those that read this will think horrible of me.  We're supposed to tell our kids "don't drink or do drugs" and "do not have sex until you're married".  I couldn't agree more that it would be optimal if my kids choose to follow that advice.  But I know that telling teens "don't do it or else" is the equivalent of issuing a personal challenge.  I would rather my kids know that they can count on me to help them navigate those tough teenage years and that I understand what they're going through.  I will not always like the choices they make, and they will suffer consequences of poor choices, but I will love them through it.  Besides...as my parents told me, I want to see the day when their kids are putting them through the same hell I'm sure they will put me through.